OUR LONG, TWISTED ADOPTION JOURNEY

THE ORIGINAL PLAN

Before John and I even married, we have wanted to adopt. In, 2003, (oh that seems forever ago), I started researching adoption and sending off for all those glossy pamphlets with pitiful pictures of children from all over the world. John and I decided that we wanted to do a domestic adoption and to go through Catholic Social Services here in Lexington, KY. We met with our social workers, Laurie and Nelda in Jan. of 2004 and then began the adoption classes that spring. The day that we finished our last class, I went to Casa de Nacimiento, a birth center in Texas to do a midwifery internship for a month. While there, I bought a little outfit for our baby to be. I was so excited. When I returned, we finished our paper work and our scrapbook. The scrapbook was the story of our lives, pictures of our home and family. This is how the birth mother would choose our family. We turned in our scrapbook and waited. I felt that we would get chosen quickly as we were open to a newborn of any color and with any medical condition. We had our home study on September 9th, I believe. Now we were officially ready for a baby. I had a baby shower in Owensboro. I remember being SOOO excited about the shower. I came home and had the nursery all ready. It was painted and everything! I was ready for a baby!!
On October 9th, I checked in with Laurie or Nelda just to see if anyone had looked at our scrapbook. Later that day, I was on the phone to my friend Anne. I said something to her like, "blah blah blah, PERIOD." (You know how you do when you want to emphasize something. That's how that is going to be. PERIOD.) Then I said, "speaking of periods, I haven't had mine in a while." Then, when I figured it out, I thought, "oh no. there is no way. What if I'm pregnant." That night, John was DJing a radio show for WRFL. On the way to the station, I bought a pregnancy test. I took it at UK and came in and waved it to him while he was on the air. He gave me a big smile and a thumbs up. He then played some pregnancy related music like the Beach Boys, "When a man needs a woman."
I was in a state of shock! My adoption plans!!! I thought I might have a baby by Christmas. And, I didn't think I'd have to push it out or be pregnant for that matter! We wanted to help kids who needed a home, not create more kids to consume more stuff in America. I figured that I was about 5 weeks pregnant and would be do in June. When we got home from the radio station, I called Laurie and Nelda and left a pitiful message on their phone. I was crying and I said I was pregnant and I was so sorry, etc. etc. etc. I also called my parents and grandparents.

A BIRTH

On May 23rd, 2005, I gave birth to my daughter, Violet Estelle, on the back deck in a birthing pool. It was incredible! And, I guess that is the topic of a whole other blog. It was always my intention to adopt another baby. And soon. I wanted to be able to breastfeed an adopted baby while I still had my milk supply from Violet. I knew that when Violet was a year old, we could start the adoption process again. That was my plan and I let Nelda know. It was at this time, that she told me that when I got pregnant, a birthmom with African American twin boys had already selected us. She had been so disappointed when she found out that we were pregnant. Nelda said that she had really fallen in love with us from our scrapbook. It was such a weird feeling to know that there were two boys somewhere in Lexington that could be my sons right now! How our lives changed when we had Violet! What is it, "God laughs when we make plans!"

A DEATH

My plans changed again. In October of 2005, we found out that John's 49 year old mother had colon cancer. She was single and lived in Florida. In June of 2006, she moved in with us. Not long after she came, we called hospice and her mother and aunt moved in with us as well. It was a VERY stressful summer. There were 4 adults and a one year old living here. There was also always another family member or friend here for a short stay. It was very intense. John's mom died on August 1st, not 10 months after her diagnosis.

HEARTBREAK

After we cleared our house out and got our lives back to "normal," we called Laurie and Nelda again to update our file. We had to do another homestudy, as it had been a year since our last one. On October, 10th at 10 AM, we had our homestudy. We were ready and waiting to adopt again! It was in October, that John had a chance to play a few shows with the band, The Apples in Stereo. After those gigs, John was invited to go on tour with the Apples in Feb. After long discussions, John and I decided that we would adopt a baby if we were chosen by the end of the year. If not, we would put our adoption on hold AGAIN, until he got back from tour. As each day in December checked off the calendar, I felt more and more depressed. We weren't going to get a baby this year...who knows how long it would be!! Would I have milk? Etc, etc. etc.
Then, on December 6th, Laurie called and said a birthmom had chosen us!!!!! She was due any second!!! I flipped out and just started screaming. Oh, I was so excited!!!! The next few days were exciting. We met the birthmom and her long time boyfriend on a Monday. It was a boy!! I planned and prepared. I went back and forth between feeling ecstatic and feeling like I was going to puke!
Finally, on December 15th, we got the call that she was in labor. I called my parents to come and get Violet and I called John at work. John and I drove to the hospital an hour away and got there just in time for the birth. He was just beautiful. The nurses went to hand him to me and I pointed them towards the birthmom. She looked at him and then motioned for the nurses to let me hold him. He was just gorgeous! A fat juicy bottom lip! I began nursing him right away. He latched right on. We hung out with the birthmom and her boyfriend for about an hour, and then we got our own room.
We decided to name him D'Angelo, in honor of his birthmother. I stayed up all night with our little baby boy, D. He nursed like a champ. We took pictures, dressed him up and I just held him all night long. The next evening, a social worker from the adoption agency came in to tell us that the birthmom and her boyfriend changed their minds. I must say I was in shock. We really didn't think the birthmom would change her mind. Her situation seemed so dire, that we didn't even really entertain the idea that she would decide to parent. John and I went down to her room and talked to her and the boyfriend and said that we totally supported their decision and that we loved them. If they changed their minds again in the morning, we could be back in one hour!!!
So, that night, December 16th (our 6th anniversary), 24 hours after the birth, John and I made the LONG drive home to Lexington with an empty car seat. I've never cried so hard in my life. You know the kind where you run to the toilet in case you might puke. It was just heartbreaking.

A ROCK and ROLL TOUR! (what next?)

John spent the better first half of 2007 on tour with the Apples in Stereo. They just played on the Conan O'Bryan show and went all over the United States. They had an upcoming European tour. We had decided that when he got back from Europe in June, we would be ready to start our adoption process....AGAIN.
In May, we got a call from Laurie that a birthmom had chosen us and was originally due in June, but that they had moved her due date up to late May. Did we want this baby? We needed to let her know in a couple of hours. What a situation!!! Yes, we wanted to adopt, and soon, but John was scheduled to tour Europe for 3 weeks and wouldn't be back until June 5th. What if the mom delivered early? John wouldn't be here. Could he fly back from Europe short notice? What would the band do if he did? Etc. etc. etc. We went round and round. We didn't know what to do. It put John in an awful position. I was ready for a another baby....he was living his dream touring with the band! Laurie called to get our decision. We put her off for another few hours. She called back again. AHHHhh this was excruciating!! I could have a baby in my arms in a few weeks! Ultimately, we decided no. It was so Hard to say that. I was so disappointed, but I knew that John needed to do this. There would be other birthmoms and other babies. John went on to Europe with the band.

NURSING SCHOOL

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I decided to go to nursing school. I had been pursuing my passion for natural birth by assisting hombebirth midwives. At the time, I was working as a prenatal massage therapist and doula. I decided that I needed a more formal education and a degree, so that I could practice homebirth midwifery legally in the state of KY. So, that led me to nursing school. I was hoping that we would get a baby in June so that I would have the whole summer with the baby before I started school. Again, as each day got checked off the calendar, I was more and more anxious. What a long wait! We had now been chosen by 3 birthmoms and we still had yet to complete an adoption!!! What would I do if Laurie and Nelda called the week before school to tell me we had been chosen. I was somewhat of a nervous wreck.
However, I started school with no prospect of a baby. Once school started, I grew even more anxious about adopting. School was very intense. I couldn't miss clinic days, I couldn't miss tests, I had to study. What would I do if a baby came? Drop out? Keep going and not give the baby as much attention as I should? I waited and waited for a call. Finally, fall break. "This would be a great week. I could have a baby this week and then be able to finish out the semester and then sit out a semester. All the different scenarios played out in my mind. Either way you sliced it, it would be VERY HARD to adopt a baby and go to Nursing school.
For anyone who has ever waited for a baby like this, you are the only ones who can relate to how stressful it is. You don't know when the baby is coming. You could get days notice and then suddenly, you life is turned upside down. You don't know whether to schedule things, etc. The social workers tell you to just go on with your life as usual, but it is SO HARD and STRESSFUL. (Especially for those of us who are planners!!) At least when you are pregnant, you have about a month ball park range. When you adopt, you have no idea!!!!
And for those of you who havent' been in nursing school, it's insane. It isn't like I could just take a couple of weeks off with a baby and read some chapters and be fine. We learn skills, like starting an IV, you, know, IMPORTANT THINGS! You can't just miss class. Plus, we have 10 hours of clinical time in the hospital each week. There is no way to make that. Essentially, I'd just have to drop out if I got a baby. What was I thinking?!
Anyway, Christmas break came. There was relief that I had made it through the first semester, but disappointment that we weren't going to have a baby again this Christmas!!! The one year anniversary of D'Angelo's birth was VERY hard.
It's now 2008! 4 years after starting our adoption classes!!! I never would have imagined. Now I was gearing up for a second semester of school. No word on a baby.
Finally, spring break came. I couldn't take it anymore! Why had we been waiting since June for a baby? You begin to look at all pregnant women with hungry eyes. Could she be a birthmom? Does she want her baby? Violet was going to be 3!!! I couldn't believe we didn't have antoher baby by now. Where were all the pregnant women?! Why weren't we getting chosen? I finally thought, "OK, we want a baby, there are plenty of babies in the world. We just need to be matched up. We aren't finding each other."

Thank God for Google

So, on March 8th, I googled, "children waiting for adoption." I clicked the first link, www.adopting.com. I clicked on the first picture...the featured kids. It was a picture of a two boys from Haiti...ages 3 and 1 and a half. That was it, those were my boys! I scrolled through so many pictures. There are hundreds of kids waiting for adoption. But, I came back to the first picture I saw. I'll NEVER forget that picture. I don't know how you know, or what makes a certain pair of eyes jump out at you, but I just KNEW. Those were MY boys. I emailed the adoption agency. The facilitator, Stephanie, said they were available for adoption and gave me more information. She said their parents took them to the orphanage and stated that they didn't think the boys would survive their childhood unless they were adopted.
I spent the next 48 hours convincing John that these were our boys. I laid out all the pros. They'd be biological siblings. No "odd man out" in our family. They were older, no intense baby care! They were the perfect ages. Violet would be right in between them. We already had a girl. We could adopt two and then be done with the whole adoption thing forever! They said it would take about a year or more for the adoption process. I explained to John that this was perfect. I could finish my last year of nursing school. Etc. Etc. I showered him with reasons. Finally, we agreed. We wanted to adopt these brothers.
We went and met with our social workers and quickly got our international dossier ready. Actually, I got it ready in record time. We couldn't "claim" the boys until our paper work was finished. Meanwhile I kept checking the website. Their picture was still available. I was terrified someone else would take "MY BOYS!" John and I took out a home equity loan for a VERY LARGE amount of money!! Aack and ignored my nursing school studying to finish the mountains of paperwork. On April 4th, Stephanie emailed us that the boys were ours. Their names were Erickson Pierre and Lovekender Pierre. She emailed more pictures of them.
My first year of nursing school was over!!
Our final dossier was arrived in Haiti on May 19th. (Eight pounds of paperwork, literally). On May 23rd, Violet turned 3. The next day, the three of us headed to Haiti to meet Erickson and Lovekender!